Thoughts on poop

Five years ago, if someone had told me that there would be a time when thoughts and conversations would be full of poop, laxatives and dirty underwear, I wouldn't have believed it. If someone had told me that I would someday stand in the bathroom with my finger in my sons butt trying to keep a suppository in place, I would have found it unimaginable. If someone had told me that there was such a thing as Potty School, I wouldn't have understood that it could ever really be necessary. But that's where I am. That's my life right now.

We are on day eight of "a healthy drink" (Miralax) and day two of a double dose. When we went to the doctor yesterday to get the staples out of Sam's head, he could not believe that Sam had not yet pooped. He'd never heard of anyone on Miralax being able to hold it that long. When I described the daily drama of Sam sitting on the toilet screaming at least ten times a day, he had no words of advice. When I told him I feel trapped in our house because Sam has "smears" in his pants fifteen times a day, he laughed at the fact that Sam calls it a "smear". When I expressed my concern that he is scaring Grace and that I am going to have the same issue with her when it comes time to potty train he agreed. He couldn't fix it though. He just told me to double the dose.

I don't know what to do. I don't know why he is so afraid. It's so irrational, but so real. He is truly terrified to poop on the potty. He thinks he's going to throw up. He says it hurts and that the toilet is too high. He acknowledges that nothing bad has ever happened when he's done it before, but it doesn't click.

Although I have a background in child development and psychology, and the doctor has assured me that I am doing everything right, I really fear that I am messing this kid up. I don't understand the block. I don't understand or know what to do with a little boy who will willingly trade his brand new two wheel bicycle and all of his favorite toys for a diaper and then never even ask to use them.

I feel awful. He's breaking my heart but I don't feel like I can back down. At this point, it's a huge power struggle and I am just as stubborn and determined to win as he. I also feel like I have a very slight advantage in that I am not the one walking around with ten days worth the poop in me....

So that's what we're up to. Fun huh?