She doesn't like snow either...

"Gracie, do you want to go outside?"

She nodded her head yes and started dancing around.

"Go get your coat."

Off she went. We got bundled up and headed out.

I put her down and she tipped over and couldn't get up. Then she screamed (while I took pictures) until we went back inside.

In her defense, I have to say that yesterday we went out while it was still snowing. I put the kids in the sled and pulled them up the street. Grace loved it. When Sam was her age he cried when we took him out in the snow.

Welcome back winter, I was missing you.

I got my hopes up. Snow was supposed to start at midnight. The first time Sam tried to sneak into my bed was midnight, no snow....when he returned at 2 a.m there was still no snow... at 5 a.m I was confident that the weather man was wrong...7 a.m, a little snow....9 a.m, 7" snow...1 p.m, about a foot. I hate when the weather man is right.

A good reminder...

I complain a lot about the weather in my little corner of the world and dream of moving someplace warm and a lot less expensive (where a half million dollars buys you your dream home and not an 1800 square foot cape). However today, chilly as it was, was a day that I was struck by the beauty of this place and remembered that yes, I really do love it here. I don't think any other place could feel so much like home.

In the summer, this harbor is dotted with sailboats. When Brad and I first met, he took me fishing for Stripers here. He and a friend shared a little boat with a little engine that was perfect for trolling around the harbor. Dressed in jeans and sweat shirts, we drank beer and ate sandwiches as the fish literally jumping out of the water around us. The night was clear and the sky filled with millions of stars. I caught nothing on my own, but he let me real a bunch in. The future was unknown and it was a wonderful night.

We got married in this town and had our pictures taken with this harbor as a back drop. My friends tell me that it was freezing cold (and from the pictures, I'd say it was), but I hardly noticed.

Now we are lucky enough to have this place to bring our kids to play. Even in the cold, they loved playing at the park. I think Sam summed it up best, "It sure is beautiful, huh?"

I'm done, no I'm not, yes I am....

I've been thinking a lot lately about having another baby, or more accurately, not having another baby. Since I was a little girl, I thought that I'd have three...However, while I was pregnant with Grace, I swore that unless they discovered a way for Brad to carry our child, I was done. After delivering her, my resolve was even stronger...no more babies, well, definitely no more babies without an epidural....okay, maybe I'll have another baby....

Two months ago I was feeling like I was ready...However because my children LOVE nursing (I've been lactating for 3.5 years...I know you are jealous...), I've been fortunate to have had only two periods in the last 51 months...though not impossible to get pregnant, this makes it kind of hard to try in any calculated, methodical way...

Over the last several weeks, I've started to feel like I'm done. Although I really love big families, I've never thought that I could handle more than three and certainly not more than four. I'm starting to realize that I really might not be able to handle more that two. I love my kids and I am so thankful that we were able to have them, but I want a piece of my former life back. I never thought that I would feel this way and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that this is where I am right now.

I want to do things for me. I want to get regular hair cuts and go to the gym. I want to go on vacation and be able to enjoy it. I want to go to CT to visit my family and have my kids sleep. I want to be able to go someplace other than The 99 for dinner. I want to be skinny again. I want to sleep for say 6 uninterrupted hours. I want to apply for The Amazing Race with my sister. Right now, these things are starting to seem possible (like 18 months away for everything other than the Amazing Race....that is probably 18 years away...), a new baby will delay them for three or four years. As I write this, I hear how selfish I sound. It's terrible, really not like me but exactly how I feel right now.

At the same time, the thought of never having another baby in the house makes me sad. I didn't think that Grace would be my last so I didn't treat each day with her like I would have if I'd been thinking, "You will never do this again." Do you know what I mean?

I keep going back and forth. On one hand, every day I think, "what if I'm possibly pregnant right now? I think I'd cry." But on the other, I can't seem to actually get rid of anything. Just yesterday I put outgrown clothes from both my kids into bins in the basement. I tell myself that it has nothing to do with saving it for another baby and more to do with being a pack rat and I almost believe it.

I fear that a third pregnancy will finish me...as in wipe me out and remove any trace of the girl that once was. I don't know if my esophagus can handle throwing up every single night for nine months. I don't know if I can be a milk producing person for another two years. I'm really scared that a third pregnancy will remove any chance of ever reclaiming anything that resembles the body I once had.

I'm also afraid that I may someday regret not having another. Someday, when life is quiet and calm, when our children need us less, when we are well rested and don't have to wade through a sea of toys to get anywhere in our house, I will look back on these years and think, "That went too fast, it wasn't so bad, why didn't we have more..."

How did you know when you were done or that you wanted more? Any thoughts would be appreciated, cause this mommy is at a point where she needs to think about birth control or buying more nursing bras....

Watch out girls, he's got a way with words....

Over the last few months Sam has developed a really bad habit of climbing into bed with us. At first, he would go to Brad's side of the bed. Entrance was always denied. Then he started coming to my side. I'm a sucker, there's a part of me that really like cuddling with him. I'm also lazy. I hate getting out of bed. Do you know how many nights I get a lousy nights sleep because I really have to go to the bathroom but don't? It's gotten to the point that Sam doesn't even wake me up. He just climbs in and I don't notice until I have a numb arm or get elbowed in the head.

Last night he came in at midnight. I heard him and made some room....next thing I knew it was 4:30. I slept horribly and felt so tired when I woke up.

Tonight as I was putting Sam to bed I told him that he really has to start sleeping in his own bed...

"But mommy, I get scared and you make me feel better. I like to snuggle you."

"I know buddy, I like to cuddle you too, but mommy doesn't sleep well with you next to me all night long. You have to stay in your own bed."

"But my bed's not comfortable."

"We'll get you a new bed tomorrow."

"No, I don't want a new bed. Mommy, I just love you so much."

"I love you too, but you have to stay in your own bed."

"But mommy, I just love how you smell. I love to smell you all night long..."

I'm pretty sure he won and will be making his way to my room in just a little while.

Happy Birthday Jack!

Last week Sam was invited to a bowling party for his friend Jack's 5th birthday. He's never been bowling and his excitement was over the top. For the last week, he has come into our room at 6 a.m. to ask, "Is today Jack's bowling party?" When I mumble no, his reply is always, "But I want to go bowling todaaaaaay..." Today was the big day.

January?

Another 60 degree day here in Massachusetts. Life is good! We played outside and had steak tips on the grill for dinner!

Compare this to the picture that I posted yesterday...NO SNOW!!!! Like how we never raked the backyard this fall and the kiddie pool is still out?

If you know Sam, you will recognize this as a classic Sam look. I think he was trying to talk me into climbing a very tall tree...Can you hear him? "Come on mom..."
Corona and steak....summer..."She likes it, she likes it!" That's my girl! **

**Please do not be alarmed... No (hardly any) beer was consumed by this very small 21 year old.